Richard Moore's Straight Talk Columns

Make ex-despots our national treasures

22/2/2011

I AM so absolutely fuming at Prime Monster John Key that I could just spit.

How dare he come out with comments getting stuck into those on the benefit who can't afford to buy food.

How dare he say they should budget better on a couple of hundred bucks a week.

Worst of all, how dare he make me think like a bloody socialist in disagreeing with him.

I've got a good mind to give him a right slapping and actually make him take a good hard look at this Third World economy of ours.

But do not despair Kiwi types, I have a cunning plan to help New Zealand straighten the books - and I don't mean in a Whitcoulls sort of way.

Okay, we have milk, yoghurt and melamine exports carrying us. Agriculture helps, so do those woolly things and the bovine boofahs that fart us to world extinction. We can add the boat and planeloads of tourists zipping in and out.

But what we really need is to have an eco-friendly, sustainable and self-perpetuating industry that will make NZ a wealthy nation.

In fact, if we follow my idea we'll be so rich that moaning about dole bludgers, single mothers and GST will be a thing of the past.

Hell, we can even give the porkers in Wellington travel benefits as befitting their exalted status as Mumblers of Parliament.

So, how do we go about this?

Step a bit closer ... and don't tell this to anyone.

New Zealand needs to become a retirement home for ex-dictators.

Now before you leftie-pinko-amnesty types run screaming for the Human Rights Commission think on this. The newly-deposed dictator of Egypt, Hosni Mubarak, may well have secreted $90 billion worth of dosh that he will use in his post-working years. Let's compare that with New Zealand's economy of about $115 billion.

Looks quite good, doesn't it?

Okay Hossie, old fruit, we'll set you up in glorious EnnZud where you'll be safe, happy and can enjoy a bit of anonymity in your old age. I'll take it you like sand, so how about settling down in Papamoa? We've got continents of white sand on our fab beach and you don't need to worry about camel poo or little urchins holding out their hands for alms.

Who else can we invite to these shores and give them a nice little lifestyle in their fogie years?

How about Sudan's Omar Al-Bashir? Now old Omar runs a nation of 40 million folk -many of whom are thinner than my pen - with an economy of around $90 billion.

Al-Bashir has been in power since 1989 and proves that hot countries and caring leaders are mutually exclusive.

The International Criminal Court has issued an arrest warrant for him on charges of war crimes and crimes against humanity for his contributions to the tragedy in Darfur. They have biffed in others like murder, rape, pillage and ethnic cleansing for his part in driving 2.7 million people from their homes since 2003.

Hey, he doesn't have to join Rotary, he just needs to bring his dosh.

And another potential guest here could be Muammar Gaddafi - big chief banana of Libya, killer of protesters and No1 cardholder in the Lockerbie Friendship Society.

Old Muammar is struggling to hold on to power as civil unrest sweeps the Arab world and may well be open to suggestions about buying some land here. You'd figure he'd have plenty of moolah in secret bank accounts to take care of him in his dotage. Well, cash and his harem of female security gals, of course.

I reckon we could sell off a chunk of Taranaki to him - with a view looking out over the oil platforms so he'll feel at home.

Last, but by no means least, we have Roberty Bob Mugabe.

A man so twisted he has ruined his country with idiocy, famine and brutality.

At some stage his death-grip on power will ease and it's up to us to make him feel welcome and comfortable.

Okay, Zimbabwe's economy is worth, well ... nothing, but you can guarantee Mugabe's bank account will be overflowing.

Hip hip Harare!

Now, in order for Mugabe to feel at home I think a little section down in South Auckland would suit him nicely.

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WHILE I'm on the matter of hardline regimes, let's get a bit tougher on freaking litterbugs.

At the end of the terrific More FM Winery Tour concert on Saturday - featuring Midnight Youth, Opshop and the fabulous Brooke Fraser - there was so much rubbish left on the ground of the Wharepai Domain it was a disgrace.

Clean, green New Zealand?

Open your blinkered eyes, pick up your garbage and put it into bins you disgusting pigs.

By the way, Brooke Fraser is a national treasure. Brooke you were just so utterly fab.

Come back to Tauranga anytime.

richard@richardmoore.com