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''The really sad thing is that when I was young Richard Moore didn't seem a common name, however in the age of Google it seems there are about 31 bazillion of us.'' - Richard Moore the 27,000,000,001st.

Richard Moore's Straight Talk Columns

Needing a sanity clause for Christmas stress

21/12/2010

AS CHRISTMAS zooms up in the Land of the Long White Shroud this fellow is busily finalising a menu for the big day.

All the basics are set - cooked ham, champers, seafood - but I'm undecided on the salads and dessert.

Sigh.

Ah well, I guess I'll have to make a pav, you know the Aussie culinary masterpiece.

Cooking aside, Christmas 2010 is going to be a chilled-out one. No hassles, no stress.

It's been a pretty good year despite some of the slings and arrows that fortune has outrageously flung at me, but there are plenty of people who have not had such a good time.

Take Hanover big-wig Marky Hotchin for example.

Hotchin has just had his considerable assets put on ice by the courts over the collapse of Hanover and he is not a happy chappie. And poor old Marky is upset media have been trying to contact him in his bazillion-dollar hidey hole on the Gold Coast.

He was not pleased with being questioned over the matter and was even less keen on being called by his first name.

Marky, I bet the 16,500 Hanover investors who have lost their life savings and can't afford to live in style in Australia would be calling you something else.

But Marky isn't the only chap under stress at the moment.

So is John Toomey - also known as Santa Claus in a San Francisco Macy's department store.

Well, actually, he's an ex-Santa because he was fired for being a little too jolly.

Toomey, who has been with the store for 20 years, was Santa-sacked after a couple of adults whinged about his cheekiness.

Apparently they told him they'd been good and he'd said, ``Gee, that's too bad''.

Who said Americans don't have senses of humour?

Anyway, I'm sure you all know who the world's No1 mega-stressed chap is.

Yes, it's Santa Claus who must be going nuts right about now getting gifts organised for every good little kiddywinky in the world.

But as bad as this year may be, it is nothing compared to Christmas a very long time ago.

Listen up kids ... Santa was getting everything ready for his Around the World in 24 hours gig when all hell broke loose.

His elves got pointy-ear disease and were bed-ridden for a month and his imported Ooompa Loompas, while great at singing choruses, were not much chop in the Santa shop.

Running way behind schedule he spent late nights working alone in his workshop only to have his beard catch fire on a candle.

Next up he misplaced his naughty-and-nice list and then discovered that Rudolph's nose was red because he was a hopeless drunk and had lost his sleigh-guiding licence.

Santa was then informed by Mrs Claus that his mother-in-law was due to arrive.

Who could blame him? Santa went for the bottle.

Only trouble was his last bottle of 100-year-old whiskey slipped out of his hand and smashed on the floor spilling its precious contents all over his new suede boots.

Santa lost it.

He was in a mouth-frothing fury when the doorbell rang.

Wrenching it open he saw the cutest little angel with big eyes and a huge, fabulous Christmas tree.

The little angel cheerily said ``Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a wonderful day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?''

Thus began the tradition of the angel on top of the Christmas tree.

********

THE other day I went to a chess tournament in an Auckland hotel between two teams of undefeated players.

The rivalry between the Grey Lynn Geeks and the Northcote Nerds was extreme -so much so they had their own barrackers singing team songs to put the opposition off - and neither wanted to lose.

It was cut-throat chess all day.

It went down to the last game and eventually the top team was decided by a short-half knight.

Then it got ugly, the barracking became abuse and spilled out from the convention room into the hotel foyer.

Both sides were screaming they were the best and it almost got down to fisticuffs.

The hotel clerk called security and all of the geeks were ejected into the night.

``A job well done,'' said I to the clerk.

He responded, ``I don't care if it's Christmas, I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''

*********

OK here's a little brain teaser for you guys.

An honest politician, a kind-hearted lawyer and Santa Claus were walking down Devonport Rd the other day.

On the footpath was a $20 note.

The question is which one picked up the money?

If you hadn't guessed it was Santa, of course ... the other two don't exist.

Merry Christmas everyone and look after your families and friends this festive season.

richard@richardmoore.com..