Richard Moore's Straight Talk Columns

Email tales of woe fill me with ... disbelief

9/11/2010

OH MY goodness there are some really depressing things in the world. My bank balance, for one.

It looks fabulous on pay day, and even better after various other incomes in-come, but then the out-goes go out to cater for my extravagant lifestyle of insurances, wanting to have electricity and that most hedonistic of all vices - food.

On a less-selfish note you have to feel for the little children who eventually leave school - seemingly at about 25 - never having quite managed to learn to read or write.

Maybe if we paid teachers more and gave them more time off then our kids would reap the benefits ...

I feel sorry for the homeless Kiwis who used to live on the Melbourne streets who have now been flown back here courtesy of an Aussie charity. It must suck to be both evicted from a street and not have enough cash in the pocket to buy a drink or two on the plane home.

And what about the poor Qantas engineers who have to try to figure out why their motors keep exploding over various parts of the globe. Bit of a clue here guys ... think al-Qaeda and work backwards.

Mind you, the Qantas engines could have been hit by bottles thrown by drunken rugby league fans at Eden Park.

Notice I didn't mention loutish rugby league fans, or even low-class league fans - because that would be tautology and if we paid teachers more and gave them longer holidays you'd know what that means.

But these troubles are minor ones compared to some of the tales I've recently been reading in my email inbox.

Take these for example.

There's a Richard Ahmed, from Kuala Lumpur, who has oesophageal cancer. Poor Richard doesn't want anyone to feel sorry for him ``because everyone will die someday'' and he wants to do good for people. So Richard is suggesting I help him distribute 18 million, roughly $40 million, to the needy.

What a great guy, of course I'll help him.

Then we have the fabulously named Princess Hotaruby. (Sounds like an exotic dancer doesn't she?) Princess also has oesophageal cancer. I didn't know it was contagious ...

Anyway Princess wants to donate US$15 million ($19 million) to someone to do the good work of the Lord. Bless you Princess, of course I'll assist.

Mrs Helen Sneddon doesn't have oesophageal cancer, however, she is in hospital in Hong Kong getting treatment for another cancer. She says she only has six months to live and despite a life of tragedy - her son and husband died from poisoning - she wants to pass on her wealth US$15 million to someone who will help promote Christianity and support Aids programmes.

I'm your man, Helen!

An Iraqi woman, Muna Jabur, is also suffering. She has had cancer for three-and-a-half years now which has ``effected my heart'' (and spelling) but she is more worried about her son. And the US$5 million they inherited from her late hubby.

Don't worry Muna, I'll do my best to get little Karim into another country. Iran perhaps?

Next up we've got people who know me really well.

Benjamin has gone through my profile and is, on the strength of it, going to transfer US$7.5 million into my bank account. He calls me Dear. ``Hi Dear,'' he wrote.

The other, Otero, calls me beloved, despite being a chap, and hasn't told me yet how much my beloved-ness is worth.

I am leaning my affections towards Benjamin because Otero is a lawyer and Benny's dad was poisoned. There's a lot of that going around isn't there?

And from Hill Brown (he's a barrister, you know), via the Court of Justice in Benin, there is a lengthy electronic epistle. I

n it I am an esteemed Sir/Madam. It does rave on a bit but the crux of the matter is that if I send them a small fee of $99, they will send me a consignment box filled with $12 million. And for this no-risk money all that my new-found friends need are my personal and bank details. Sounds fabulous. I'd better respond.

``Dear Hill Brown, thank you, what a wonderful offer. If you could send me $1.50 for the stamp I'll have a cheque in the mail tomorrow.''

Now just in case anyone reading this column has been getting the same emails as me - be very careful. Do not answer them - that sends a green light to the scammers that your email address is live and you will be drown in a tsunami of electronic rubbish.

Never, ever click on a link within a dubious email - you can bet your last dollar (which it could end up being) that some scumbags are just waiting for you to enter your details and, hey presto, you've given them a key to your life savings.

Just delete them, unless you want a fun read about people who are having a worse time than you.

And no, I'm not talking about teachers.

richard@richardmoore.com..